I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
