You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
