I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
