Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
My penis needs a shock collar
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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