i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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