I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
