Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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