I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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