So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I smell like Dick and happiness
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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