seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
