My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
