Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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