I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
