You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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