I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
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