I'm jealous of your bromance
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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