Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
