and you said cock pushups were impossible
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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