I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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