I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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