I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Randomize
