is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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