I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Randomize
