True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
