see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
