I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
