...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
