Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
i think i just lost a toe
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