my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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