You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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