Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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