STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
