Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
