I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
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