this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Can you bring me the toilet please
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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