My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
