I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
