Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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