I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
