Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
