if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
