my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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