My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
