i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
