apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
