please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
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