You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
