You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
