I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
