i love accidental penises.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
