I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
